mesniu: (bad sign)
[personal profile] mesniu
I'm a very private person, perhaps more private than I need to be. Then again, it's part of what has contributed to the changes occurring in my life over the past few months. So anyway, as most of you are aware, things have been pretty rocky. I've been quiet up to now, mostly out of courtesy to those directly involved, as well as not thinking that it was really anyone else's business. A few posts back, I made reference to trying not to be a prick about it, specifically because I didn't want to have everything degenerate into a very public & nasty 'he said, she said,' because I think that's pretty low to do, and goes against my wishes to respect the privacy of others. That being said, no one (with three exceptions) has heard my side of the story, nor (with three exceptions) has anyone asked. Also, a few have made definite rushes to judgment, and made it their business to tell their version of the breakup to any and all who will listen. People around the country, who don't even know who [profile] angel_in_purple and I are, have been subjected to semi-factual versions of the story, holes filled in by assumption. Sufficient time has passed, and in the interests of wanting to have all of this be old news, specifically for the sake of my kids before the start of KCRF, here it is, unsolicited, my side of the story...

I'll cop to a few things rather readily. Yeah, I lied to a couple of people, and broke a promise to another. These are people I considered very near and dear to my heart, regardless of what they may think of me now. The lies I told were out of fear and self-preservation, and a knowledge of how lines of communication work between some people involved in the dramatis personae (and this has become far too unnecessarily rife with drama). My actions have cost me more than I could have imagined. I'm deeply sorry to those I have offended and doubt certain damaged (and destroyed) relationships can ever be healed, and that hurts. I will add that based on the actions of some that pursuing a rebuilding of some of those friendships would be an exercise in futility; once someone makes up one's soul (far beyond making up one's mind) about you, there is nothing that can be said or done to sway or change opinion at that point. I'd say it's water under the bridge, but that bridge was gleefully torched before any of the facts were verified, and before I’d known the match had been struck (note: I am NOT talking about [ profile] angel_in_purple).

Yes, [ profile] angel_in_purple and I are now divorced, yes, it is because I lied to her. What happened? I fell in love, but it's really not as simple as that. It's something that rarely happens with me (contrary to what some may think they know about me), but I fell and I fell hard. It's someone I actually met about seven months before I met [ profile] angel_in_purple. Don't get me wrong, I never stopped loving [ profile] angel_in_purple, nor has my love for her ever diminished, regardless of what some may think.

Yes, I consider myself polyamorous (a word I'm coming to loathe). Yes, I DO know the meaning of the word, loaded though it is. No, I am NOT hunting for a harem, nor do I want one, or anything of the sort. Have I made some stupid mistakes in pursuit of adopting that mantle? Hell yes--everyone makes mistakes. I'll admit to quite a few whoppers. I'll accept responsibility for those as well. But I am quite content having an open relationship with my long-distance (1500 miles away) girlfriend. I will be posting more about her in the coming weeks for those of you who don't know her, as well as for those who think they may (both categories of which cover almost everyone who will see this).

My older son wanted to know why I chose her over [ profile] angel_in_purple. My response was that I didn't choose her over his mother, but rather in addition to her. Within my marriage, which was monogamous from its inception, [ profile] angel_in_purple could not accept being "one of," and I can appreciate that. And every single time I was about to tell her everything, I was beaten to the punch: once by a matter of days, and once by a matter of hours. My own fears (and trying to sort out what answers to give my parents' families when asked) were what prevented me from being more forthcoming earlier. Her job had sucked out enough of her soul that it had begun to wear on me, eventually to an unbearable level. Sprint has a way of doing that. I've seen it happen to more than a few people. What that place did to her attitude played a big part in destroying communication between us, as eventually there was little about which I could be 'right,' and so much about which I was always 'wrong.' Again, I blame Sprint for that, not her, and if I were a vengeful person, one particular manager of her department from a few years ago (her most recent, now moved on, manager is the first good one she's had in quite some time) would wake up in a straitjacket with his legs broken, his body smeared in honey on a fire ant mound. I digress.

Did I feel trapped? Yes, from the standpoint that I was in the center of too many courses of action from which to choose, and with no choice makeable, I ended up doing nothing. The courses of action from which I had to choose included specifically devising solutions/compromises to the following: getting a job (a real one), finishing my MA program, being a stay-home dad for my kids, and the toll Sprint had taken on [ profile] angel_in_purple, made most manifest by the severe reduction in varieties of food she could eat that would not induce immediate nausea and beyond. That last one scared the shit out of me, quite frankly. Trying to fix/make these all happen at once was more than I could handle. Because communication became so strained between [ profile] angel_in_purple and me, I needed an outlet to just blather on about the most inane of things. [ profile] starwyse, a friend whom I love dearly, but with whom I am not IN love (big distinction), became that person to whom I could talk at that time, mainly owing to a few other conversations she and I had around that time about ceremonial magick. And yes, we talked much about a wide array of topics that no one else seemed interested in discussing with me, at least locally. After the blow up in my marriage that resulted over this, I cooled the conversation for awhile with her. Then, in March of this year, I received an out-of-the-blue call from someone to whom I will introduce you very soon. I began speaking with her and discovered several mutual compatabilities that were previously unknown, and quite off the scale.

Now that eveything is out in the open, I have no reason to hide anything anymore from [ profile] angel_in_purple (or anyone else, for that matter) and I can honestly say that, at most times, we are now communicating better than we have in years, and I have seen sides of her personality that she has buried for a long time. Also, I am very excited for the revelations and awakenings she's had over the last month or two.

To those of you whom I have hurt through my actions (and you know who you are), I am deeply sorry. I openly admit that the way things went down was fucked up. I am very excited for [ profile] angel_in_purple, as she has now begun to embrace the things she had been denying to herself for so many years: things she denied because she thought it would drive a further wedge between us. Also, we're trying VERY hard to make sure the kids know that we both still love them very much, and that they mean the world to us.

So yes, I openly admit that I screwed this up myself. Things could have been done in a much better way. But [ profile] angel_in_purple and I are both growing from the experience, as painful as the process may be, and we continue to do so. Also, bear in mind that I have consulted with her before making this post. I did not want to take the chance of posting something she believed untrue or unfactual. She truly is a goddess able to leap tall laundry baskets while multi-tasking [among other things ;-) inappropriate to mention here]…

Therefore I throw it open to all of you. If there is anything you want to yell, scream, complain, or whatever about/to me, let me have it. I guess the point is that I grow tired and impatient with the amount of rumor that has been spread. I'm tired of the petty gossip and the junior high-school drama that seems so prevalent in certain circles. I am being a responsible adult, have a good, REAL job, am paying my debts, and trying to be a good father to my kids. I'm open to answering any questions posed. Please leave your email address so I can answer you off LJ and keep the comments screened.

And yes, comments are screened of course, insanitized for your protection (from the ‘manipulative addict’ I have been accused of being).
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August 2008

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